Journeys

This past couple of days I can’t stop thinking about all the choices I should have made. Or the things I could have done differently. Or the what if I would have done that with the money I had instead of the thing I did. Those thoughts have been followed by why and how did I make such bad decisions. Now I have been recovering from life long enough to know the shoulda, coulda, wouldas followed by the why mes is just self pity but the one thing no self-help guru or spiritual guide has addressed is what about when its not the poor mes but look how the bad choices I made screwed up my kids lives. You see I don’t feel bad for myself, I feel bad for my kids. My bad and often impulsive decisions have left my kids in a lifestyle I never imagined for them. I worry because I don’t have health insurance for them, or college funds or the money to take them places and give them things that their peers seem to have in abundance. As I type that I feel the need to defend the statement, I am not talking about cell phones and plasma screen tvs, nor am I talking about expensive gaming systems or other toys, I am talking about basic things, like shoes and clothes, a home where they can play safely, and time, my time and attention. When I choose to have children I made them promises, promises that I have not kept and I have a great deal of self hatred as a result of not being able to provide for them. Now I know that all around the world there are children who are suffering from problems much bigger than the ones I imagine for my children. I know there are places where the last thing a mother worries about is a college fund, but I do not live in those places, and that is not my experience. In no way am I meaning to take away from the struggle of others but these days I am finding that comparing my situation to those who are in a worse situation is in no way constructive or helpful for me. I was brought up being told not to complain because if all I had was one pair of shoes somewhere, someone had no shoes. That just does not seem to make me feel better. Actually it makes me feel worse. So I have no answers, I only know I am seeking to be free from the emotional pain that comes with wishing to change a past that can not be changed. I know I need to just let it all go and look to what I can do today to make the present more bearable. For now I keep writing about my journey in the hope that someday it will make sense to me, or to someone else. 

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