Journeys

Sometimes you have to get things off your chest. You just need to put your worries, fears and angers out there in the world to get them out of your mind. But as healthy as venting can be it can also lead to more difficulties. It seems that as unique as human beings are we also have the same drives and behaviors. Over the last year or so I have tried this venting thing with dire consequences. It seemed that when all I wanted was someone to listen the people I talked with wanted to tell me how to fix things. When I didn’t take their advice they became hurt and angry. Both new relationships and old were damaged, beyond repair in some cases. So what is one to do when you need to talk but become afraid of sharing what you are thinking and feeling? One thing I realized is you have to pick and choose who you unload to carefully. Another is to write. That is one thing this blog is doing for me. It is giving me someplace to unravel the mystery of my days and nights, my past, present and future. I feared posting these things at first and still am reserved in my writings. For many years I kept journals and there is a healing quality to venting through writing. These days are filled with endless chores and tasks that seem to make journaling a task I just don’t find time for anymore. Or perhaps I don’t have the desire. But sometimes you have to take a chance and share your thoughts with another human being. I did that yesterday and although nothing has changed circumstantially I felt better today, lighter in spirit, a little less troubled. I don’t know if the outcome was positive for the man I shared with, my husband, because he often takes my troubles personally and then becomes moody and resentful as if I am placing the blame for my troubles on him. That is one of the difficulties with venting referred to previously. I know there are other resources available for venting, a clergy member, a therapist( if you have health coverage), a twelve step program, but I have not been able to motivate myself to access the resources available. This is when I wonder is there a part of me playing the martyr. Am I wallowing in this pain? Or am I just not able to see how to heal yet? I am trying one day at a time to put one foot in front of the other and I guess sooner or later I will move through these circumstances and on to others. I am hoping that I will grow in this process to a place where something changes and I do not need to purge all of this negativity and confusion. I was reading recently and came across a suggestion that when your mind and heart are full of negativity that is what you draw near to you, and of course the opposite truth, that when you fill your mind and heart with positive thoughts then that is what will manifest in your life. So over the course of my journey I am trying to be honest with myself, own my feelings, but at the same time trying not to be filled with gloom and doom so as not to draw gloom and doom my way. A tall order but today I succeeded in a small way, I let the pain float through me, I acknowledged it but did not let it linger and fester. Maybe if I do that again tomorrow…I guess I will just have to wait and see.

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