Journeys

When you think of grief you think of death. But loss comes in all forms and the grieving process is a part of life in general. This is the realization I had today. I am once again grieving a loss. I spent the last 10 years building the life I thought would make me happy. I went to college, I got a job, bought a house, incurred a ton of debt, (that part I didn’t plan) got married had two children, not in that order but that is the list of things I experienced since my son was born in 1998. That is when my life began, when he was born. I was a single mom, he was a surprise, my greatest gift, and I made him a list of promises while I was pregnant. I wanted to be a good mom, to give him a decent life, a home, someone to be proud of and look up to, and all the things he needed to feel safe and secure. So I began my journey. I got a college education. I met a man and had a second child. I got a job. A good job. And then we bought a house. Well somehow things weren’t what I expected them to be. We never had enough money to pay the bills, we struggled and worked and worked and struggled but it seemed we could never make ends meet. My husband worked 2 jobs. I worked full time and picked up extra hours whenever they were available. Still we were always short on funds and struggled to give the kids the basic necessities and a few extras from time to time. Worst of all the one promise I had made to my children, to be there, to give them my time and attention that promise was broken in order to feed them, shelter them and clothe them there was no time or energy to love them, to play with them to eat meals with them. It all seemed to be wrong. So when the reality that we couldn’t pay the mortgage anymore came, and then the decision to file bankruptcy, and the health problems it seemed like I wasn’t losing anything but misery. I was excited at the thought of starting over, doing it differently, making a new plan, a better plan. This time no ideas about material security. This time it would be all about living simple, with as little as possible and being with them. We would let it all go and it would be good. So we did. We lost the house, and with it the debt. I had to resign from my job but we thought that would be ok because without the debt and the house we could live on my husband’s salary. We moved across the country to an area where rents were ” affordable” and the climate was kinds, (no more heating bills and winter clothes). Guess what? Big surprise I am grieving all I lost, even though I was miserable in my life. I am in the anger, depression stage, finally out of the denial, for the most part. It has been 10 months since we lost the house and I am just now realizing that the stupid pile of wood and concrete meant something to me. I am realizing that I really loved my job and the benefits(health in particular) that it provided my family meant something to me. I am realizing that starting over again is not easy. And I am angry at myself for failing to keep my promises to my kids. All I ever wanted since my son was born was to work and provide for him. I wanted to take care of him. Now I pray he doesn’t get sick because I can’t afford a doctor, the most basic need, his health I let my life get to a point where I don’t know from one day to the next how to take care of that. I am angry and I am sad.But here is the miracle, I am not giving up. I don’t know what to do next so each day I look at the newspaper, the internet and I search for an opportunity that may allow me to dream again. That is what I stopped doing as the grief overwhelmed me, I stopped dreaming and decided to settle for whatever life gave me. But I found that when you stop dreaming there is no ambition, no motivation, nothing to work towards. So today on this crazy journey I am hoping to dream again and working through the anger, and depression. It isn’t easy but it can be done, the human mind and spirit is amazing and I know that somehow, someway I will make it through this loss and move on.  

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