Dec 04 2008
Tis the Season
The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy. I have never found that less true than around this time of year. Not to get into the poor me thing, but I believe if you suffer from depression the holiday season is tough to get through. Depression comes in waves. It is internal and external. I have never been one of those people who doesn’t let anything get them down. Internally everything causes fear and panic. I have to tell myself everyday that life is supposed to be beautiful regardless of circumstances. I have mantras galore about faith and love and god. I tell myself again and again that I am ok today. That I have everything I need and will always be taken care of one way or another. I read Christian, Buddhist, Taoist, Muslim, Pagan, and Twelve Step literature. I read the biographies of people who have endured the most horrific experiences and survived. Still I spend a great deal of time worrying about how the bills will get paid. I worry about not having medical insurance. I worry more about my kids being without medical insurance. I worry that my car needs tires. I worry about buying food. I get angry that I only have one pair of shoes and the stitching is coming apart. I get angry that I don’t have the money to buy new shoes for my kids. I get angry that finding a decent paying job is so difficult. I get angry. I get angry at myself for all those feelings because everything I read, everything I am told says I should be greatful. I should have gratitude that I was born in America. I should have gratitude that I have a roof over my head today(although I am never sure where next month’s rent will come from). I should be greatful for having children who are smart and beautiful. I should be full of gratitude just to take a breath. This is the great paradox of depression. I am greatful! I am greatful and appreciative of all those things, but I seem to lack the ability to feel gratitude emotionally. I can intellectualize and rationalize gratitude until the cows come home. However all I feel is pain and fear. This brings me back to why this season is particularly difficult. When one is already struggling to appreciate the littlest blessings, to find some sense of peace in stressful times the holidays test you. You are reminded daily that you should be shopping. Buying things no one really needs in order to show them how much you care. Even if you skip the whole insanity of gift giving for adults there are the kids. Then the holiday feast, which can be very costly with the price of food these days. Then there is the lonliness of loss. All those who have left this world. The internal lonliness of not being able to be like “others” who seem so joyful at this time of year. The list of thoughts can go on ad infintum. This is depression in all its glory, internal thoughts that race and fight each other for control of the heart and soul compounded by external circumstances that are uncontrolable. All I want is to be “happy” To feel gratitude for there is much I am greatful for, I do appreciate all that I have and I do know how lucky I am for the things I have but I wish and desire more. Not necessarily more things. Deeply I desire to understand why I can’t “feel” good. Feel content with where I am and what I have. I think that is what I search for in philosophy, religion and self help books. That is why over the years I have had dozens of therapists. In the end the message is the same, be greatful you are alive.So today the struggle continues. I battle my own my mind and thoughts for control. I seek the answers to questions that have none and somehow I manage to find hope that things will get better. I hope that today I can feel good. I hope that tomorrow I may find a job which pays a living wage. I hope that someday I will not have to worry about health insurance and rent and bills. I hope and I hope and I hang on. Because in the end quitting is never an option. I had someone tell me once that the miracle I am hoping for may be a minute away. So how do I remind myself never to give up? I pray, I chant my mantras and I wait for the miracle.
