Journeys

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A basic theory you learn in physics. You learn this theory as early as middle school. Really you know it before then, instinctively. To know hot you must know cold. To know sweet you must know sour. All things in life are relative. So simple really. In searching to escape from depression it seems natural to seek its opposite, happiness. But I have found over the years happiness is impossible to find. It is not in one place, or one person, or one thing. It is a culmination that occurs as a result of a mysterious moment. So I don’t seek happiness anymore. At this point on my journey I am more interested in find peace and balance. Freedom from unhappiness is really what I am looking for these days. The meditations I have been reading and receiving from friends through email these days are all about positive thinking. Believe it and it shall happen. Think it into being. You get the idea. Here is my conflict. This one book I was reading talks about each of us being God. Not a new idea, I’ve read it before in many religious texts. Each school of thought or religion phrases it differently, but as far back as the Greeks it was philosophized that we were all part of a greater whole, or God. So this book I was reading and a bunch of others say as “God” you deserve everything you truly desire. You are special. You are deserving, love yourself, blah, blah, blah. Like I said I have read this kind of  stuff in a million places. It can get a little annoying at times. The problem is this, if it is written in a million places, by people from all different faiths, across all times and all places then maybe just maybe there is some truth in it. I mean think of it like this, these people can’t even agree on what color the sky is, but they all seem to believe in this one simple core idea? The core idea is prayer, faith and belief .The idea is that you deserve to be “happy” because you are a child of God. And the cure? All you have to do is believe and be positive. Be sure that you deserve to be happy and you will be. In the end every self help book, every twelve step group, every shrink, every religious leader they are all selling the same thing, believe it and it will be so. I hate to say it but it seems to be that way. So if it is that easy why aren’t we all walking around ecstatically happy?Inner demons from the past thats why. Everything that I was taught all my life was that I was not worthy. I was not deserving and those tapes are so ingrained in my consciousness I am not sure they can ever be erased. 

Everyday brings a chance to start again. Every start is a chance to achieve your dreams.

Sometimes you have to get things off your chest. You just need to put your worries, fears and angers out there in the world to get them out of your mind. But as healthy as venting can be it can also lead to more difficulties. It seems that as unique as human beings are we also have the same drives and behaviors. Over the last year or so I have tried this venting thing with dire consequences. It seemed that when all I wanted was someone to listen the people I talked with wanted to tell me how to fix things. When I didn’t take their advice they became hurt and angry. Both new relationships and old were damaged, beyond repair in some cases. So what is one to do when you need to talk but become afraid of sharing what you are thinking and feeling? One thing I realized is you have to pick and choose who you unload to carefully. Another is to write. That is one thing this blog is doing for me. It is giving me someplace to unravel the mystery of my days and nights, my past, present and future. I feared posting these things at first and still am reserved in my writings. For many years I kept journals and there is a healing quality to venting through writing. These days are filled with endless chores and tasks that seem to make journaling a task I just don’t find time for anymore. Or perhaps I don’t have the desire. But sometimes you have to take a chance and share your thoughts with another human being. I did that yesterday and although nothing has changed circumstantially I felt better today, lighter in spirit, a little less troubled. I don’t know if the outcome was positive for the man I shared with, my husband, because he often takes my troubles personally and then becomes moody and resentful as if I am placing the blame for my troubles on him. That is one of the difficulties with venting referred to previously. I know there are other resources available for venting, a clergy member, a therapist( if you have health coverage), a twelve step program, but I have not been able to motivate myself to access the resources available. This is when I wonder is there a part of me playing the martyr. Am I wallowing in this pain? Or am I just not able to see how to heal yet? I am trying one day at a time to put one foot in front of the other and I guess sooner or later I will move through these circumstances and on to others. I am hoping that I will grow in this process to a place where something changes and I do not need to purge all of this negativity and confusion. I was reading recently and came across a suggestion that when your mind and heart are full of negativity that is what you draw near to you, and of course the opposite truth, that when you fill your mind and heart with positive thoughts then that is what will manifest in your life. So over the course of my journey I am trying to be honest with myself, own my feelings, but at the same time trying not to be filled with gloom and doom so as not to draw gloom and doom my way. A tall order but today I succeeded in a small way, I let the pain float through me, I acknowledged it but did not let it linger and fester. Maybe if I do that again tomorrow…I guess I will just have to wait and see.

What is a journey? Is life a journey? Does a journey have a destination? If a journey has a destination and life is a journey one would suppose you should have a plan as to where you are going. I have not found that to be my experience. Lao Tzu, the famous philosopher who founded Taoism, talks about the journey as river. I always liked that metaphor. Life is like a river. Sometimes you just lay back and allow the current to push you and enjoy the view and the experience. Unfortunately a river can also have rapids, and rocks and even waterfalls. Sometimes what you want is upstream and swimming against the current is exhausting. So is life like a journey in a river? I am starting to think it really doesn’t matter if life is like a journey in a river or up a mountain or into the deep blue sea. What I think may be more important is what you do or don’t do. Even more important what you feel and think really determine if the journey is a pleasant one. These days I struggle against the current to enjoy the journey. Excuse the cliche, but I struggle to smell the roses in spite of the thorns. I know that is the key to serenity, to want what you have and stop wanting what you don’t have. Knowing needs and wants can get intertwined in our complex society it is easier said then done. Cultivation of an attitude of gratitude is another way to enjoy the journey, but another difficult task. But no matter what the river pushes you forward and you have to keep going for yourself and all the people you love and who love you. I may not have any answers but I do have a million questions so maybe for me that is what the journey is about right now, asking questions even though there may not be any answers in sight, for now maybe I can find a way just to enjoy the ability to ask.

When you think of grief you think of death. But loss comes in all forms and the grieving process is a part of life in general. This is the realization I had today. I am once again grieving a loss. I spent the last 10 years building the life I thought would make me happy. I went to college, I got a job, bought a house, incurred a ton of debt, (that part I didn’t plan) got married had two children, not in that order but that is the list of things I experienced since my son was born in 1998. That is when my life began, when he was born. I was a single mom, he was a surprise, my greatest gift, and I made him a list of promises while I was pregnant. I wanted to be a good mom, to give him a decent life, a home, someone to be proud of and look up to, and all the things he needed to feel safe and secure. So I began my journey. I got a college education. I met a man and had a second child. I got a job. A good job. And then we bought a house. Well somehow things weren’t what I expected them to be. We never had enough money to pay the bills, we struggled and worked and worked and struggled but it seemed we could never make ends meet. My husband worked 2 jobs. I worked full time and picked up extra hours whenever they were available. Still we were always short on funds and struggled to give the kids the basic necessities and a few extras from time to time. Worst of all the one promise I had made to my children, to be there, to give them my time and attention that promise was broken in order to feed them, shelter them and clothe them there was no time or energy to love them, to play with them to eat meals with them. It all seemed to be wrong. So when the reality that we couldn’t pay the mortgage anymore came, and then the decision to file bankruptcy, and the health problems it seemed like I wasn’t losing anything but misery. I was excited at the thought of starting over, doing it differently, making a new plan, a better plan. This time no ideas about material security. This time it would be all about living simple, with as little as possible and being with them. We would let it all go and it would be good. So we did. We lost the house, and with it the debt. I had to resign from my job but we thought that would be ok because without the debt and the house we could live on my husband’s salary. We moved across the country to an area where rents were ” affordable” and the climate was kinds, (no more heating bills and winter clothes). Guess what? Big surprise I am grieving all I lost, even though I was miserable in my life. I am in the anger, depression stage, finally out of the denial, for the most part. It has been 10 months since we lost the house and I am just now realizing that the stupid pile of wood and concrete meant something to me. I am realizing that I really loved my job and the benefits(health in particular) that it provided my family meant something to me. I am realizing that starting over again is not easy. And I am angry at myself for failing to keep my promises to my kids. All I ever wanted since my son was born was to work and provide for him. I wanted to take care of him. Now I pray he doesn’t get sick because I can’t afford a doctor, the most basic need, his health I let my life get to a point where I don’t know from one day to the next how to take care of that. I am angry and I am sad.But here is the miracle, I am not giving up. I don’t know what to do next so each day I look at the newspaper, the internet and I search for an opportunity that may allow me to dream again. That is what I stopped doing as the grief overwhelmed me, I stopped dreaming and decided to settle for whatever life gave me. But I found that when you stop dreaming there is no ambition, no motivation, nothing to work towards. So today on this crazy journey I am hoping to dream again and working through the anger, and depression. It isn’t easy but it can be done, the human mind and spirit is amazing and I know that somehow, someway I will make it through this loss and move on.  

When struggling though the bad times aren’t we really just waiting for an opportunity for change. If you hate your job, or the place you live, or the way you look, or the fact you smoke you have to take action. Sometimes results don’t come right away. Its the waiting that can stop you from going forward with your positive actions. Take weight loss. You might need to lose 20 pounds. So you pick a date and start a diet. The whole week you eat the right foods, you deny yourself the wrong foods, which are usually comfort foods, and at the end of the week you are the same weight. It is at this point, this crossroad, that self sabotage rears its ugly head. The mind convinces you that you will never succeed. And so you eat a gallon of ice cream and a pound of mm’s. Then the guilt of failure eats away at you and you eat more. And then the depression ambushes you and you feel as if life will never get better. It is the same if you are trying to change any behavior you deem unhealthy, or dysfunctional we want the “good” results as soon as we change. Well for some reason I have engaged in this self-defeating behavior all my life. I work hard to do better, to be better and still I never seem to get the results I had expected, or maybe I just don’t wait long enough. Maybe I just don’t stick with it long enough. I know I am impatient. I know I want to be happy now. I want what I want when I want it. What is even more difficult is I know this is not how life works. It is just difficult to stick with something when the rewards take what seems to be forever. I went to college and worked very hard to get good grades. I expected that this would guarantee I would have some economic stability. I expected that this would mean I could be part of the American middle class, you know, decent pay, a home, a car, health insurance you know the June and Ward Cleaver picture, or the Brady Bunch whichever era you grew up in, but I have not found that to be my experience. Instead I continued to have financial insecurity, I am having trouble finding a job, I survive one day at a time and that is depressing. I have been told not to have expectations then I won’t be disappointed. I logically agree that it is in the expectations that the seeds of depression are sown. Expectations of others, expectations of what we should get when we work hard, expectations of what a marriage should be, or a friendship, etc… But it is difficult not to have expectations. It is even more difficult to have patience when we need more than we have at the present moment. I am coming to see my depression as an enemy that wants to take from me the opportunity to change. The opportunity to do a task without expectation but just for the joy of the doing, the experience not the outcome. Maybe then patience won’t be needed because there will be nothing to wait for. Right now I think of the buddhist lessons of doing things slowly and with great concentration and focus so as to enjoy even washing a floor because life is short and no matter how fearful, angry, or sad I may be it is up to me to find peace, only I can free myself from my expectations of what should be and find serenity in what is and isn’t that what I want? Isn’t that what I am really seeking? So for today I will try not to project upon life my wants, needs and desires but try to enjoy the moments as they come to me. I will see what happens and if it works then maybe I won’t have to work so hard at being patient.

The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy. I have never found that less true than around this time of year. Not to get into the poor me thing, but I believe if you suffer from depression the holiday season is tough to get through. Depression comes in waves. It is internal and external. I have never been one of those people who doesn’t let anything get them down. Internally everything causes fear and panic. I have to tell myself everyday that life is supposed to be beautiful regardless of circumstances. I have mantras galore about faith and love and god. I tell myself again and again that I am ok today. That I have everything I need and will always be taken care of one way or another. I read Christian, Buddhist, Taoist, Muslim, Pagan, and Twelve Step literature. I read the biographies of people who have endured the most horrific experiences and survived. Still I spend a great deal of time worrying about how the bills will get paid. I worry about not having medical insurance. I worry more about my kids being without medical insurance. I worry that my car needs tires. I worry about buying food. I get angry that I only have one pair of shoes and the stitching is coming apart. I get angry that I don’t have the money to buy new shoes for my kids. I get angry that finding a decent paying job is so difficult. I get angry. I get angry at myself for all those feelings because everything I read, everything I am told says I should be greatful. I should have gratitude that I was born in America. I should have gratitude that I have a roof over my head today(although I am never sure where next month’s rent will come from). I should be greatful for having children who are smart and beautiful. I should be full of gratitude just to take a breath. This is the great paradox of depression. I am greatful! I am greatful and appreciative of all those things, but I seem to lack the ability to feel gratitude emotionally. I can intellectualize and rationalize gratitude until the cows come home. However all I feel is pain and fear. This brings me back to why this season is particularly difficult. When one is already struggling to appreciate the littlest blessings, to find some sense of peace in stressful times the holidays test you. You are reminded daily that you should be shopping. Buying things no one really needs in order to show them how much you care. Even if you skip the whole insanity of gift giving for adults there are the kids. Then the holiday feast, which can be very costly with the price of food these days. Then there is the lonliness of loss. All those who have left this world. The internal lonliness of not being able to be like “others” who seem so joyful at this time of year. The list of thoughts can go on ad infintum. This is depression in all its glory, internal thoughts that race and fight each other for control of the heart and soul compounded by external circumstances that are uncontrolable. All I want is to be “happy” To feel gratitude for there is much I am greatful for, I do appreciate all that I have and I do know how lucky I am for the things I have but I wish and desire more. Not necessarily more things. Deeply I desire to understand why I can’t “feel” good. Feel content with where I am and what I have. I think that is what I search for in philosophy, religion and self help books. That is why over the years I have had dozens of therapists. In the end the message is the same, be greatful you are alive.So today the struggle continues. I battle my own my mind and thoughts for control. I seek the answers to questions that have none and somehow I manage to find hope that things will get better. I hope that today I can feel good. I hope that tomorrow I may find a job which pays a living wage. I hope that someday I will not have to worry about health insurance and rent and bills. I hope and I hope and I hang on. Because in the end quitting is never an option. I had someone tell me once that the miracle I am hoping for may be a minute away. So how do I remind myself never to give up? I pray, I chant my mantras and I wait for the miracle.